Thoughts on parenting challenges
A couple times a year one of our children will throw us a parenting curveball and we usually don't end up hitting it out of the park. In fact, after we strike out for the first time we normally scratch our heads and hope that it was just a bad day or a phase. Its when we strike out again, back to back, is when its enough keep me up at night worrying about it. Then it sends me into some kind of internet search that starts with "is it normal for my 5 year old (or 2 year old).... and ends with a box of parenting books from Amazon. Sean and I have been in the trenches the last couple of months with this whole parenting thing because both our kids decided to throw us a curve ball, at the same time of course and we struck out miserably.
It started with Griff and coincided pretty much exactly with his 5th birthday. It seems like overnight he went from a pretty reasonable happy kid to a total mess. He was an emotional, angry, back talking mess. I think I said to Sean more then one time, "WHO IS THIS KID?". Everything was a fight, from getting dressed in the morning to brushing his teeth at night. It was miserable, totally miserable. Sean and I went back to the drawing board and tried unsuccessfully to employ some techniques to calm him and keep him safe when he exploded with anger. First we tried putting him in his room to calm down by himself because he was hitting and kicking and throwing everything. Then we decided that if he was that angry and upset we didn't want him to feel isolated and alone with such big feelings so we went to his room with him and gave him space until he was calm. Sometimes he would be so upset that he couldn't calm down and we would have to kind of forcefully hold him until he was calm. He absolutely hated that so we stopped that too. These angry outbursts were really putting a toll on our relationship with him and our family. It was so awful.
So I found a book called "The Explosive Child" and both Sean and I read it (you know in all our free time). It was a complete lifesaver. Without regurgitating the whole book it basically broke the child's behavior down into the idea that "kids will do well if they can do well" versus the idea that "kids will do well if they want to do well". For example, time out and consequences fall in line with the thinking that kids will do well because they want to do well, because they don't want to go to time out or have movie night taken away. The "kids will do well if they can do well" means that if they are not doing well, its because they don't have the tools to do well, and we can help them and give them the tools they need to succeed. The author of the book has the parent look at a list of what he calls lagging skills. You go down the list one by one and identify what lagging skill your child has and then identify the behavior that is associated with the lagging skill and label that an unsolved problem. Sound difficult and tedious? You have no idea. This type of methodical breakdown of our issues helped me realize that he just didn't have the skills to deal with identifying the consequence of his actions among other things. The checklist has 25 lagging skills and we ended up checking off about 7 of them. Then we listed the unsolved problems associated with them and had an entire page of problems that we needed to tackle. They tell you to tackle one by one, and forget the rest until you are ready to move on. Once you decide to tackle an issue you employ the "plan B" method. It involved 3 steps. Step one was the empathy step, where you make a neutral observation like "Ive noticed you are having difficulty holding my hand in the parking lot...whats up?" Then you drill for information by asking the who, what, when and where questions until you feel you truly have all the information you need to move on to the next step which is to define the problem. Lastly, you use all the information you have to define the problem and then collaboratively come up with a solution. Your kiddo has to be a part of the solution process or else it doesn't work, its got to be collaborative.
It was really tough to go from an "authoritarian" method of parenting to a collaborative method. We are still struggling with this, but we have made major strides. Our house is more peaceful and Griffin is more confident in himself because of this technique. He solves problems before they become issues and feels like our family is a team. He can count on his parents to listen to his concerns, and I mean really listen and validate his problems. He can count on us to give him the tools he needs to solve his problems and flourishes when he sees his own progress. This whole method really is best for his age and older kids but it also worked for Graham.
Graham was having trouble with separating from us in the morning at preschool. He would go through periods of time where he did great then all of a sudden it would be a complete nightmare at drop off. Sobbing, screaming and crying when it was time for mom and dad to leave. We would have to put him in the arms of a teacher and they would hold him and he would scram while we left. He said, "DON'T PUT ME IN EMILY'S ARMS!". So I tried the same method with him...I told him,
"I noticed we are having a hard time at drop off, whats up?'.
He told me he didn't like it when someone held him as I left and he was sad for me to go.
So I said, "I'm concerned because when it is time for Mom to leave to go to work you won't let me leave, that's why I put you in Emily's arms".
Then I asked him why he had a hard time having me leave (this obvious, any parent knows the answer to this but it was important for him to vocalize it to me and to have me listen to him).
He told me again that he was sad when I left.
So I repeated to him, "You don't want Mom to leave because you feel sad and you really don't like it when someone holds you as I leave".
He agreed so I said, "I wonder what we could do instead that would make you feel better when I have to leave?".
He said, "you could watch me do a trick and I could make you ice tea".
I told him I thought that was a great idea, but that it was important that he not follow me to the gate. He said that he could do it, and just like that we made up a new routine that involved him showing me a trick on the climbing structure and pretending to make me tea. Then we would kiss and hug and I would walk out the door. No handing him to a teacher, no tears. It worked. Two months later we have a similar routine, but now he has added something. When it's time for mom to leave we walk to teacher and he asks for a hug. He felt like he needed a snuggle when mom leaves. It helps him transition, it was his idea and it's amazing.
Why is parenting so hard sometimes? Sometimes I feel like my kids are just more challenging then others their age, sometimes it feels like no one else is going through this..then I talk with another parent and hear what they are struggling with and I don't feel so isolated in our issues. But it's still exhausting, it still keeps me up at night. One thing I have learned about all of this is how important it is for both parents to tackle this stuff together. I'm so thankful for Sean and his willingness to make time to read parenting books and listen and brainstorm with me and solve our problems together. He is the ultimate teammate, Dad and husband. He knows when to step in and take over when I've had it with one of the kids and I do the same because we can't both lose our minds, someone has to be the adult :) One last thought, putting the time in now, while the kids are little to form our ideas together on parenting seems like an investment in our kids. My hope is for every curveball our kids throw we get a little better and recognizing it, dealing with it and hopefully one day we knock it out of the park, on the very first pitch.
So I found a book called "The Explosive Child" and both Sean and I read it (you know in all our free time). It was a complete lifesaver. Without regurgitating the whole book it basically broke the child's behavior down into the idea that "kids will do well if they can do well" versus the idea that "kids will do well if they want to do well". For example, time out and consequences fall in line with the thinking that kids will do well because they want to do well, because they don't want to go to time out or have movie night taken away. The "kids will do well if they can do well" means that if they are not doing well, its because they don't have the tools to do well, and we can help them and give them the tools they need to succeed. The author of the book has the parent look at a list of what he calls lagging skills. You go down the list one by one and identify what lagging skill your child has and then identify the behavior that is associated with the lagging skill and label that an unsolved problem. Sound difficult and tedious? You have no idea. This type of methodical breakdown of our issues helped me realize that he just didn't have the skills to deal with identifying the consequence of his actions among other things. The checklist has 25 lagging skills and we ended up checking off about 7 of them. Then we listed the unsolved problems associated with them and had an entire page of problems that we needed to tackle. They tell you to tackle one by one, and forget the rest until you are ready to move on. Once you decide to tackle an issue you employ the "plan B" method. It involved 3 steps. Step one was the empathy step, where you make a neutral observation like "Ive noticed you are having difficulty holding my hand in the parking lot...whats up?" Then you drill for information by asking the who, what, when and where questions until you feel you truly have all the information you need to move on to the next step which is to define the problem. Lastly, you use all the information you have to define the problem and then collaboratively come up with a solution. Your kiddo has to be a part of the solution process or else it doesn't work, its got to be collaborative.
It was really tough to go from an "authoritarian" method of parenting to a collaborative method. We are still struggling with this, but we have made major strides. Our house is more peaceful and Griffin is more confident in himself because of this technique. He solves problems before they become issues and feels like our family is a team. He can count on his parents to listen to his concerns, and I mean really listen and validate his problems. He can count on us to give him the tools he needs to solve his problems and flourishes when he sees his own progress. This whole method really is best for his age and older kids but it also worked for Graham.
Graham was having trouble with separating from us in the morning at preschool. He would go through periods of time where he did great then all of a sudden it would be a complete nightmare at drop off. Sobbing, screaming and crying when it was time for mom and dad to leave. We would have to put him in the arms of a teacher and they would hold him and he would scram while we left. He said, "DON'T PUT ME IN EMILY'S ARMS!". So I tried the same method with him...I told him,
"I noticed we are having a hard time at drop off, whats up?'.
He told me he didn't like it when someone held him as I left and he was sad for me to go.
So I said, "I'm concerned because when it is time for Mom to leave to go to work you won't let me leave, that's why I put you in Emily's arms".
Then I asked him why he had a hard time having me leave (this obvious, any parent knows the answer to this but it was important for him to vocalize it to me and to have me listen to him).
He told me again that he was sad when I left.
So I repeated to him, "You don't want Mom to leave because you feel sad and you really don't like it when someone holds you as I leave".
He agreed so I said, "I wonder what we could do instead that would make you feel better when I have to leave?".
He said, "you could watch me do a trick and I could make you ice tea".
I told him I thought that was a great idea, but that it was important that he not follow me to the gate. He said that he could do it, and just like that we made up a new routine that involved him showing me a trick on the climbing structure and pretending to make me tea. Then we would kiss and hug and I would walk out the door. No handing him to a teacher, no tears. It worked. Two months later we have a similar routine, but now he has added something. When it's time for mom to leave we walk to teacher and he asks for a hug. He felt like he needed a snuggle when mom leaves. It helps him transition, it was his idea and it's amazing.
Why is parenting so hard sometimes? Sometimes I feel like my kids are just more challenging then others their age, sometimes it feels like no one else is going through this..then I talk with another parent and hear what they are struggling with and I don't feel so isolated in our issues. But it's still exhausting, it still keeps me up at night. One thing I have learned about all of this is how important it is for both parents to tackle this stuff together. I'm so thankful for Sean and his willingness to make time to read parenting books and listen and brainstorm with me and solve our problems together. He is the ultimate teammate, Dad and husband. He knows when to step in and take over when I've had it with one of the kids and I do the same because we can't both lose our minds, someone has to be the adult :) One last thought, putting the time in now, while the kids are little to form our ideas together on parenting seems like an investment in our kids. My hope is for every curveball our kids throw we get a little better and recognizing it, dealing with it and hopefully one day we knock it out of the park, on the very first pitch.
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