Giving the kid a little credit
My pre-kid self had some ideas about parenting and children that have proven to be completely untrue. One of those ideas was that as an adult I could trick, win over or distract a child because they were just a kid and in many ways they were somewhat easy to manipulate. Then I had Griffin. The first time I tried to give him a pacifier instead of nurse him he looked at me with disdain and written all over his face was a look that said "Really mom? Really? Try again". All the things that they made for babies for the sole purpose of distraction never "worked" on Griff. He was a brand spanking new little person and right then and there he taught me something I didn't even think I would learn at that moment, to be genuine and honest, even with a screaming newborn. It wasn't until almost a year later that I read Magda Gerbers RIE philosophy that basically says the same thing, that babies have a much greater understanding of the world then we give them credit.
Sean and I have always tried to be honest with Griff and any time we weren't he knew right away. Distraction and little white lies have always felt wrong because they seemed to whittle away at the absolute trust he has in us both. So we talk openly about all of our feelings, expectations, even when it results in a full on fit or meltdown. Kiddo has to learn to deal with disappointment and frustration in a constructive manner so why not start now. I would rather be real with my kid then pretend that they can't see right through my crap. Its hard sometimes but worth it and I'm glad we have taken this approach because I feel like it honors Griffin's ability to understand the world and navigate through the ups and downs. He's become pretty great at expressing his feelings, sometimes constructively sometimes not so much. But, today when I was unbuckling his car seat for preschool we were talking about how the drop off was going to go. He told me he was going to be sad because I was going to leave, I acknowledged his sad feelings and told him I would miss him to but that I was so excited for all the fun things he was going to get to do and that I would be there to pick him up after his nap. His preschool is wonderful, they implemented a "one kiss, one hug, one snuggle" code that the parents say to their child and when that is said it lets the teacher know that its time for Mom or Dad to go and that they may need a little help with the separation. So far I've said it every day and I hope just one day it will get a little easier! I'm not surprised though because that little boy of ours is a huge feeler. Huge feeler. Its becoming more and more apparent to me and a couple days ago Griffin literally blew me out of the water with his thought process.
Graham is just starting to teeth and he's been pretty fussy lately. I told Griffin that his little brother is getting teeth so he might be a little fussy. Griff said, "He's getting teeth?" and I replied "Yes" and then he broke down into full on tears and heavy sobs saying "Graham can't get teeth! Graham is just a baby! Graham is always going to be a baby! Forever! Graham can't get teeth!". He was completely devastated at the thought that his little baby brother might be growing up. The fact that Graham is getting teeth was the signal to Griffin that he was growing up. He then proceeded to tell me that "Graham can't be a boy! He's MY baby! He can't get teeth!". My heart broke for him because for the first time in I think forever both Griffin and I were on the exact same page, feeling the exact same thing and he could express it all to me. My next thought was that I need to limit my conversation on the topic of Graham growing up because I definitely don't want to project my feelings on to that sweet three year old boy. This all happened while we were in the car so when we got home I got out my big boy and held him in my arms and tried to squeeze all his sadness away. We talked about how Graham is growing up slowly and he is still going to be a baby for a while and one day when he's not a baby Griffin will get to wrestle and play on the playground with him. It seemed to help and he moved on pretty quickly but it left a huge impression on me. Griffin's reasons for not wanting to have Graham grow up are not the same as mine but it really made me appreciate his little brain and big heart and what is actually going on in both of them. I didn't know a just turned 3 year old could have such complex emotions about something like that and I am learning more and more each day to give that boy some credit, and squeeze away his sadness when he needs me to.
Sean and I have always tried to be honest with Griff and any time we weren't he knew right away. Distraction and little white lies have always felt wrong because they seemed to whittle away at the absolute trust he has in us both. So we talk openly about all of our feelings, expectations, even when it results in a full on fit or meltdown. Kiddo has to learn to deal with disappointment and frustration in a constructive manner so why not start now. I would rather be real with my kid then pretend that they can't see right through my crap. Its hard sometimes but worth it and I'm glad we have taken this approach because I feel like it honors Griffin's ability to understand the world and navigate through the ups and downs. He's become pretty great at expressing his feelings, sometimes constructively sometimes not so much. But, today when I was unbuckling his car seat for preschool we were talking about how the drop off was going to go. He told me he was going to be sad because I was going to leave, I acknowledged his sad feelings and told him I would miss him to but that I was so excited for all the fun things he was going to get to do and that I would be there to pick him up after his nap. His preschool is wonderful, they implemented a "one kiss, one hug, one snuggle" code that the parents say to their child and when that is said it lets the teacher know that its time for Mom or Dad to go and that they may need a little help with the separation. So far I've said it every day and I hope just one day it will get a little easier! I'm not surprised though because that little boy of ours is a huge feeler. Huge feeler. Its becoming more and more apparent to me and a couple days ago Griffin literally blew me out of the water with his thought process.
Graham is just starting to teeth and he's been pretty fussy lately. I told Griffin that his little brother is getting teeth so he might be a little fussy. Griff said, "He's getting teeth?" and I replied "Yes" and then he broke down into full on tears and heavy sobs saying "Graham can't get teeth! Graham is just a baby! Graham is always going to be a baby! Forever! Graham can't get teeth!". He was completely devastated at the thought that his little baby brother might be growing up. The fact that Graham is getting teeth was the signal to Griffin that he was growing up. He then proceeded to tell me that "Graham can't be a boy! He's MY baby! He can't get teeth!". My heart broke for him because for the first time in I think forever both Griffin and I were on the exact same page, feeling the exact same thing and he could express it all to me. My next thought was that I need to limit my conversation on the topic of Graham growing up because I definitely don't want to project my feelings on to that sweet three year old boy. This all happened while we were in the car so when we got home I got out my big boy and held him in my arms and tried to squeeze all his sadness away. We talked about how Graham is growing up slowly and he is still going to be a baby for a while and one day when he's not a baby Griffin will get to wrestle and play on the playground with him. It seemed to help and he moved on pretty quickly but it left a huge impression on me. Griffin's reasons for not wanting to have Graham grow up are not the same as mine but it really made me appreciate his little brain and big heart and what is actually going on in both of them. I didn't know a just turned 3 year old could have such complex emotions about something like that and I am learning more and more each day to give that boy some credit, and squeeze away his sadness when he needs me to.
Comments
Post a Comment