Matriarch

Usually these posts come so easy for me, I sit down at my computer and the words literally just pour out. Usually it's because I'm excited to share something, or I'm struggling with something or it's just because I really enjoy to write.  This particular post hasn't come as easily because the topic is so complex and my feelings aren't as easy to articulate.  But, it's important to me to write this because I want my own children to understand how truly amazing their Great Grandma Terry was and how much she meant to me.

Ever since I was a little girl I've always known what an incredible lady my Grandma was, and to be honest I bragged about her all the time.  "My Grandma hikes the Grand Canyon" " My Grandma has seven children" "My Grandma drives a jeep on scary roads!".  She probably wouldn't have liked that I bragged about her, but I have always been immensely proud of the fact that I was her grandchild.  Her legacy was something I knew about my whole entire life, not something I had to realize at her passing.  She has been one of the best role models a young girl, women and now a mother could have.  And after all, I'm here on this earth because of her (you too mom and dad:).  

Her inner strength, tenacity, sense of humor, adventure, and nurturing ways were all passed down to my mother and now to myself.  I can only hope to pass them on to my boys.  Since her diagnosis last December I have been reflecting on what she means to me and the kind of person I want to be.  During her eulogy Padre said "take the thing you love most about Terry and be that", I couldn't think of a better way to honor her life.  I started to think of all of my favorite things about her, the list is so long! 

Most recently I was thinking of the time when I needed support the most.  It was the same time as her diagnosis and Graham's traumatic birth.  I was still reeling inside from the thought of losing him and between the post partum baby blues and her recent diagnosis I was having a hard time.  We went out to my moms house and Grandma was there to help teach us how to make her famous pumpkin bars.  At that time we had no idea the extent that the cancer had spread and I wasn't sure I would ever see her again.  I remember crying in the car on the way over asking Sean ," how do I say goodbye to her today, what if this is the last time we see her?".  I couldn't wrap my head around that thought and it just made my heart ache.  We visited for awhile, she snuggled up Graham for a bit and when he feel asleep we put him down and I sat with her.  She started to tell me about my Uncle Tommy's birth and how scary it was for her.  He was born premature and she told me that the next morning after his birth the nun came in to tell her that they had baptized him overnight.  She told me that she was so scared and upset because they only baptized babies if they thought they were going to die.  Then she proceeding to tell me how hard it was and she could understand how I must be feeling.  I laid my head on her shoulder and being an exhausted momma with a newborn fell asleep while she put her arms around me.  She took away so much of my fear and sadness all while she was dealing with her own realization that she might not have much time left.  Here she was comforting me when I should have been doing that for her.  She was so giving of herself.

A couple months ago my mom and I took the boys up to visit Snodgrass Mountain.  Grandma was able to hold Graham, watch Griff pound on her piano and just soak them up.  One morning just her and I sat while she took out her own mothers journal.  It had been translated into English and spoke of her life in Germany and of her parents (My great grandparents).  It was emotional for her and for me because I saw how much she missed her own mother.  That small moment has had a big effect of me because it doesn't matter how old you are, you'll always need your mom.   She has been an incredible mother and much of my grieving has been for the fact that my own mommy lost her mother.  That alone literally digs deep into my own heart because I know how much she means to her because that's how I feel about my mommy.  Grandma left a legacy of love when she passed away and filling up that space is hard right now and I think we all feel a little emptiness.

 She never seemed afraid that she was going die, her attitude even to the last day I think helped everyone deal with her passing much easier.  Fearless until her death, so typical of the strong women she was.  What an incredible life she had, I think she accomplished 3 lives in her 88 years.  Even when you put aside all her adventures the way she touched everyone's life around her was amazing.  

Since becoming a mother myself I have often had the thought "Grandma had seven kids, I only have two! I can do this!".  She is an inspiration to me as a mother to take more time to do things with my kids that they will always remember.  Whether it's a road trip, teaching them a life skill like she taught my mom to sew, or taking them down the Green river so the mud and canyons can become a part of their soul.  Or bake pumpkin bars at Thanksgiving or just be there to take away their fear or sadness when they need it most.  Be present, be strong, be generous with my love and time.  Go for a jeep ride.  Laugh. Drink schnapps when the food is "a little greasy", unknowingly smuggle someone across the German border, learn a new language, travel, have faith, be a life long friend.  Be a matriarch, be someone my own grandkids admire, make a difference.  

It's amazing how even though she's passed, she's still challenging me (and others) to live their best life and be their best.  So yeah, I'm still bragging about her, sorry Grandma!  Thank you for being the women you were, the mother to my mommy and the fearless matriarch that all of your grandkids can look up to and be proud. I'm going to miss you terribly.