Going to Parent School
We finished our parenting course through the U of A a couple weeks ago and i'm excited with our results and everything we learned. I still can't believe the course was free, with free childcare and free dinner. Nuts. It was such a great opportunity for Sean and I to learn together and really work as a team with this whole parenting thing. I don't think we were ever bad parents by any means but I feel like becoming a good parent takes work and time and practice and this gave us all three! This was great because Sean and I were able to do this together without any other distractions and discuss some of our challenges with a professional. The course was on "Positive Parenting" and in a nutshell it teaches you what is appropriate behavior for children at all different ages, managing expectations, building positive relationships with your children, praising good behavior and managing misbehavior.
At the beginning of the course I was most interested in the managing misbehavior section, but it wasn't until our 3rd session, which was kind of a bummer. The first session focused on child behavior and why kids misbehave. The second session was on helping your child develop and also develop good behavior by establishing a good relationship. The really funny and interesting thing about those two sessions was that by the third week of implementing some of the techniques and relationship building we had drastically reduced Griffin's misbehavior. Funny how that works :)
We learned some new ideas for managing behavior too that have been really useful.
All in all we were doing so much of what the course was teaching us already, but we learned some ways to tweak what we were doing that really helped. For example, before when Griff threw a fit we would try to reason with him during his outburst. They taught us to turn our backs and walk away (as long as he would be safe) and let him calm down. Trying to reason with him was the wrong way because he was not in control of himself yet, and it only served to make things worse. So we let him have his tantrum, left the room and basically took the power away from his fit. They almost stopped completely after that! Also, using different language to help him when he was upset (but not yet in a tantrum), like "take a deep breath and control your body" when all he wanted to do was hit or kick when he was angry. Also, praising him when he was able to calm himself down, one night he did a great job and I said "Wow! You calmed down just like Daddy does when he is upset! I'm so proud of you!". When I told him that his face lit up and he said "I can't wait to tell Daddy how great I did it, just like him".
Also, for activities that are usually challenging like grocery shopping, giving him clear expectations of how we want him to behave before hand has made a huge difference. Before, I usually would wear Graham in the ergo and make Griffin sit in the cart but now Graham gets the cart and Griffin gets to walk all by himself next to me. This may not sound like a big deal, but it really is, especially to him. I would never let him do that because I didn't want to deal with the fits over not letting him get a toy or candy or some terrible snack. Now, its reward enough for him to be able to be a "big boy" like he has seen other kids do with their parents. Every now and then i'll surprise him afterwards with a treat just so he knows that I see his good behavior and I'm proud of him.
The other great tool we learned was to eliminate time outs in his room. Now, he gets a warning to stop his behavior usually by stopping whatever I'm doing and going to him directly and explaining that his behavior is unsafe/messy/etc and not allowed. If he does it again then he has to take a time out to get in control of himself, but not in his room, rather a time out chair in our dining room. Man, who knew that would be so effective. The time out chair is about the most boring thing in the whole world. We start a 3 minute timer once he has calmed down and is sitting quietly. We have made it a point over and over again with him that time outs don't mean hes "in trouble", they are only to help us take time to manage our emotions and our body. It's really, really, really helped and I would say he only needs the time out chair on average about one time a week.
All in all our goal was to help Griffin regulate himself a bit better, learn to calm down and learn to control his body when he is upset. What we got out of it was to take more time with both boys, in smaller intervals, to establish better relationships. Then, build off of those relationships, understand our own triggers for becoming unruffled with the kids, praise the good behaviors until they become habit, and lastly, recognize our children's need for boundaries. I think that we have been really successful in implementing these things because we are doing it together, as a team. Sean and I are on the same page because we learned it together and I honestly think that has made all the difference. To borrow the words from my Mom, we are making an investment in our family. This investment only required our time, so that is pretty neat!
Being a "good Mom" to me means many different things. I want to create a loving environment where our boys feel safe and secure and can grow and develop. I want to take time with both of them each day to know what they are going through and help them achieve whatever goals they have at the moment. I want them to understand and respect each other and what it means to be a family. We say to Griff and Graham quiet often "we do not hit in this family, we only protect one another". I also want to give them room to play, explore and learn about life without our intervention. Sean and I are on the same page with this and I am so happy I get to be a parent with him, he's the best. I've wrote a lot in the past couple years about parenting, mostly because it's all new to me. Every stage has its challenges for sure, but I think as each stage comes and goes we get a little better at it all and that in itself is pretty great :)
At the beginning of the course I was most interested in the managing misbehavior section, but it wasn't until our 3rd session, which was kind of a bummer. The first session focused on child behavior and why kids misbehave. The second session was on helping your child develop and also develop good behavior by establishing a good relationship. The really funny and interesting thing about those two sessions was that by the third week of implementing some of the techniques and relationship building we had drastically reduced Griffin's misbehavior. Funny how that works :)
We learned some new ideas for managing behavior too that have been really useful.
All in all we were doing so much of what the course was teaching us already, but we learned some ways to tweak what we were doing that really helped. For example, before when Griff threw a fit we would try to reason with him during his outburst. They taught us to turn our backs and walk away (as long as he would be safe) and let him calm down. Trying to reason with him was the wrong way because he was not in control of himself yet, and it only served to make things worse. So we let him have his tantrum, left the room and basically took the power away from his fit. They almost stopped completely after that! Also, using different language to help him when he was upset (but not yet in a tantrum), like "take a deep breath and control your body" when all he wanted to do was hit or kick when he was angry. Also, praising him when he was able to calm himself down, one night he did a great job and I said "Wow! You calmed down just like Daddy does when he is upset! I'm so proud of you!". When I told him that his face lit up and he said "I can't wait to tell Daddy how great I did it, just like him".
Also, for activities that are usually challenging like grocery shopping, giving him clear expectations of how we want him to behave before hand has made a huge difference. Before, I usually would wear Graham in the ergo and make Griffin sit in the cart but now Graham gets the cart and Griffin gets to walk all by himself next to me. This may not sound like a big deal, but it really is, especially to him. I would never let him do that because I didn't want to deal with the fits over not letting him get a toy or candy or some terrible snack. Now, its reward enough for him to be able to be a "big boy" like he has seen other kids do with their parents. Every now and then i'll surprise him afterwards with a treat just so he knows that I see his good behavior and I'm proud of him.
The other great tool we learned was to eliminate time outs in his room. Now, he gets a warning to stop his behavior usually by stopping whatever I'm doing and going to him directly and explaining that his behavior is unsafe/messy/etc and not allowed. If he does it again then he has to take a time out to get in control of himself, but not in his room, rather a time out chair in our dining room. Man, who knew that would be so effective. The time out chair is about the most boring thing in the whole world. We start a 3 minute timer once he has calmed down and is sitting quietly. We have made it a point over and over again with him that time outs don't mean hes "in trouble", they are only to help us take time to manage our emotions and our body. It's really, really, really helped and I would say he only needs the time out chair on average about one time a week.
All in all our goal was to help Griffin regulate himself a bit better, learn to calm down and learn to control his body when he is upset. What we got out of it was to take more time with both boys, in smaller intervals, to establish better relationships. Then, build off of those relationships, understand our own triggers for becoming unruffled with the kids, praise the good behaviors until they become habit, and lastly, recognize our children's need for boundaries. I think that we have been really successful in implementing these things because we are doing it together, as a team. Sean and I are on the same page because we learned it together and I honestly think that has made all the difference. To borrow the words from my Mom, we are making an investment in our family. This investment only required our time, so that is pretty neat!
Being a "good Mom" to me means many different things. I want to create a loving environment where our boys feel safe and secure and can grow and develop. I want to take time with both of them each day to know what they are going through and help them achieve whatever goals they have at the moment. I want them to understand and respect each other and what it means to be a family. We say to Griff and Graham quiet often "we do not hit in this family, we only protect one another". I also want to give them room to play, explore and learn about life without our intervention. Sean and I are on the same page with this and I am so happy I get to be a parent with him, he's the best. I've wrote a lot in the past couple years about parenting, mostly because it's all new to me. Every stage has its challenges for sure, but I think as each stage comes and goes we get a little better at it all and that in itself is pretty great :)
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